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I wish we never broke up…

…even though we definitely needed to and things wouldn’t have gotten better if we hadn’t and we needed to see what living without each other was like.

Only things didn’t end pretty. They ended messy and bad and we both want to fix things and I believe that’s possible but it just makes things more complicated that it wasn’t a clean break.

But then again, if it was a clean break that would mean we were never all that intertwined anyways. I’m glad it wasn’t clean. Clean is easy and easy isn’t worth a damn.

I’ve decided not to get over you.

I love you and you love me and the idea of you ever loving anyone else makes me physically ill and the idea of me kissing anyone else good night for the rest of my life feels wrong. Three years of good memories and love outweighs a couple months of complacency. If it all crashes and burns around us, at least we tried. If it doesn’t, we get to live happily ever after.

Maybe I’m young and dumb and foolish and a wishful thinker, but I owe it to myself to try again. I don’t need you to survive, but god dammit I want you.

So I’m in. Let’s take this slow and fall back in love.

The line at Chicken Express is taking forever and I’m hungry and and emotionally unstable because you left this morning and it’s hot outside and every song on the radio reminds me of you and I want things to be like they used to be but they never will and I don’t want to live without you and you don’t want to live without me and I am terrified things will fall apart and and I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you and that’s why I’m crying on June 6th at 3:15 PM if anyone was wondering.

At first I was afraid I didn’t have all the details, and that maybe you didn’t have drunken sex with a girl I always thought you were into TEN DAYS AFTER WE BROKE UP.

But now I see you don’t respond to any of our friends’ texts, you don’t hang out at anything I’ll be at, and yesterday at work you didn’t say a word to me. Granted, I wouldn’t have made eye contact with your sorry ass if my life depended on it, but still.

Are you proud of what you did? You must have wanted me to find out. Why else would you have done it in front of one of my best friends? Did you think you’d get away with it?

When did you put the pieces together that I knew? Was it when you woke up and remembered you invited Grant? When you came home to find a box filled with everything you ever gave me sitting on your bed? When you realized I took back the $200 Smallville box set I bought you? When I pretended you did not exist when we walked by each other yesterday?

I know you’ll be thinking, “We broke up. What the hell does she have to be upset about?”

To that I say if you don’t understand why it would break my heart to see you move on so quickly after 3 years with only me, you’re beyond help. You have even less of an emotional grasp on life than I thought.

You think I wouldn’t love to be kissed and touched right now? I’ve missed that like crazy. Granted, I missed that when we were still together, since loving caresses had become a thing of the past.

I have enough respect for myself not to throw something as important as sex away at some drunken house party. I have enough respect for you not to immediately hit the rebound a week and a half after our breakup. I thought you would respect yourself and me through all this, but respect has never been your strong suit.

When we first broke up, I wished for you joy and happiness in your life. I saw how upset you were when we were breaking up, and I felt so deeply sorry for you. That is now gone.

I hope you will wake up one week, month, year, or even decade from now and be hit in the face with overwhelming regret. I hope you realize you ruined the best thing that ever happened to you, and I hope you understand there is exactly 0% chance of you getting me back.

You nailed your own coffin shut, and I do not feel sorry for you.

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